Adding a Robinson: 2016

Something in me is forcing me to write today.

I don't want to. I wish our story wasn't playing out like this right now. I struggle to find the right balance of being positive and being honest. This is probably going to be too frank; maybe I'll come back and edit it to sugar coat it. The one thing that my body and mind screams at me to do is to write. So, because this is very helpful to me in my stressed state, here I go.

I've learned from having two kids with complex heart conditions that a couple of days before an appointment, I kind of lose my mind. As Willow and I say sometimes (don't ask me why!), "I lose my bananas!"

Jonas has a second opinion Friday for his aortic valve. His primary heart defect was transposition of the great arteries, which he amazingly had repaired in China at three months old. I am so grateful he was young enough that maybe the pain was easier to bear. I owe it all to the nurses and nannies who helped him recover when we could not. Words cannot express how I feel toward anyone who showed kindness and compassion to my kids during those early surgeries. I don't know them, but I long to pour out never-ending gratitude toward them.

And so, even though we knew our kids could have complications and would need life long cardiac care, we assumed that for now he wouldn't need anything.

That assumption was backed up when we met him and he was wonderfully relaxed and happy and healthy. He has grown so much since joining our family; he's now nearly as tall as Willow and outweighs her at 30 pounds! His lips were bright pink; his oxygen saturation exactly what it should be. What an incredible little fighter of a boy who, despite some very difficult circumstances I couldn't handle myself as an adult, has the most contagious joy ready for any and all wanting to share in it.

The past few months, our cardiologist (who calls us family and has walked through the fire with us) has had growing concerns. Every subsequent appointment, I could see the look on his face growing more and more solemn. He kept needing us to come in for more tests. We came, and every time we went, my fear grew.

Surgery to repair his aortic valve (which is bicuspid instead of tricuspid) is on the horizon. So, now we wait in dreaded anticipation for a second opinion. Willow's surgeon and our great friend, Dr. Forbess, has moved out of state. Two other wonderful surgeons we could've used have also moved out of state. Jonas' aortic insufficiency is in full swing; he is beyond what an adult's valve failure would be before having valve replacement. They've been wanting him to grow before an intervention. For many reasons, I have been crippled with fear that we've waited too long. There are a couple of options for him, and none of them are great for a two year old, but they will have to do. This means an open heart surgery, and it is way sooner than we expected it.

We are now over a year away from Willow's scary surgery. My warriors went through this all alone before us, so I'm incredibly thankful to get to walk our kids through such a trial. In fact, this valve issue would not have been found if he were still in his nanny's care in China; they were no longer getting check ups for his heart since he seemed well. We don't want to do this. Everything inside of me resists this. I'm resisting God's plan here. I'm unbearably anxious as I recall the traumatizing events of Willow's surgery and recovery. I don't want to put him through this, and this time around I know way more hard truths about it than I knew the first time around. I know how hard it is going to be for all of us. I know that even Willow will struggle at home with feeling afraid that we aren't there with her. I know Jonas will experience pain and confusion and fear.

So I just want to say, I choose faith. I cannot say that it's coming naturally to me right now. For this moment, I'm choosing it though. I am not trying or wanting to fight this plan of God's, but I am fighting it with all that I am. I feel anxiety and despair creeping up in me, and then I hand my burdens over to my prayer warriors who lighten my load more than they know. Thank you. I've needed your strength. God hears our prayers when we cannot even utter them. God wipes tears and waits patiently with an outstretched hand for me to place mine into His, trusting Him. So, for small moments each day, I do reach out and let him lead. I let Him soothe me on occasion. I surrender tiny moments in hopes that I can surrender the fuller picture. I fight for my faith until I realize that I don't have to fight. He is always with me no matter how I ignore Him, He is always for me no matter my perception, and He is the King who reigns over all.

I choose to accept what is happening. I choose to believe in the very best outcomes. I choose to acknowledge our disappointment over our surgeon moving as hard but as God's sovereign plan somehow. He has carried my kids through so much that I don't even know about. He has carried us through pain and suffering and trials. He has redeemed us from our own lostness and washed away all our sin. I can't resist this plan, and I don't want to resist this plan. It's okay for the moment for me to be utterly powerless.

God, you are working miracle after miracle in my son's life. Help me when I don't believe well. Give me strength to fight the good fight of faith. Bless the minds and skills of any doctor we come into contact with, as I know You will. You are always good. You bring healing and life. Help us as we encounter the unknown with Jonas' surgery on the horizon. We place all of our lives - everything - into Your hands. Mighty one who saves, You are beyond worthy of our praise. Move in us so that we can respond in a way that brings You honor.

You hold Jonas in Your loving, sheltering arms. Keep our baby safe and healthy; I know He is Your baby, too. Help us as we walk this path. Amen.

One thing I love is when Jonas says 'puppies' or 'pippin'. It comes out sounding like 'puppum'. I also love that when he sees me or Kyle after we've been gone, he says 'Dada!' excitedly. You would think that would drive me crazy with him calling me Kyle, but it's what he learned as an expression of joy upon seeing someone he missed. He says it every evening when Kyle gets home from work. It's very sweet!

Still trying to catch up with photos. Walton Family Reunion 2016!

We took the kids to Fossil Rim Wildlife Park...

Jonas threw his baby out of the window, because he kept seeing us throw all of the animal food pellets! I actually broke the rules and jumped out to grab it. He loves that baby.

Snow cones before we go...

The kids were zonked out after the family reunion fun!

Father's Day - Kyle's first one with a SON! We got Daddy a globe for his desk, and he already started teaching the kids geography. I adore him.

Special lunch out, Daddy's choice! (Chiloso)

The little blue eggs hatched, and we had tiny baby birds on our hanging porch plant for a while!

This kid just FINDS things! These are my old glasses.

They jump in the crib together to bond!

Kindermusik dress up day...

When Willow is up while Jonas naps, we have so much fun with big girl things (like glue or board games)!

Joy (our awesome social worker) has been a huge blessing in our lives. She will still come around to visit us and check in on Jonas post-adoption. However this was Willow's final visit (2 years after adoption).